Boundaries

Clear, consistent, wonderful boundaries. If you are someone historically good with setting and enforcing boundaries in your relationships, I applaud you. I was very very poor at them up until law school and then after a few years of consistency, fell behind on them until about three years ago. Boundaries are essential for contented, healthy relationships and without them, one can feel taken for granted easily especially if they have any involved with someone who tends towards narcissism.

I grew up as a 100% people pleaser. I never said no to anyone’s request and made myself available at the drop of a hat when anyone said they needed or wanted just about anything. While I love and embrace my tendency to want to help others and contribute positively to the lives of the people around me, that tendency becomes unhealthy when I sublimate my own needs to those around me. It is often said that people treat you the way you teach them to treat you. I believe that’s completely true. For a major chunk of my life, I allowed other people to believe that their needs or wants were more important than my own and often without intending to, they would take for granted my needs or wants. I do not blame a single person who unintentionally took advantage of my lack of boundaries. If you don’t speak up for yourself, it’s highly unlikely that anyone else will and thus, you have a cycle of giving and giving without expectation of anything in return and then feeling taken for granted when no one gives to you.

The wonderful lesson in this is that once your set boundaries, you gravitate towards people who will respect them and set similar boundaries for you. Since implementing boundaries for myself and with others, I’ve noticed a few people who were unwilling to respect boundaries have fallen away. While it is often sad to lose friendships, the beauty that comes with knowing that the people around you want to grow with you rather than dim your growth is a gift. The people I am closest to these days respect my introversion (i.e. pre-pandemic going to movies by myself on occasion, often relishing in eating meals completely alone at restaurants on weekend mornings, and semi-hiding in the corner at parties because large crowds of people are not my jam). They also encourage me to try things outside my comfort zone because they know me so well that they are fully aware when I need encouragement towards something new and acceptance when I need time in my comfort zone.

With boundaries, it is also helpful to embrace the truth that I’m not for everybody. This lesson is a hard one because I assumed for a very long time that I could find a way to make anyone like me and if they didn’t that there was something deeply wrong with me. That’s just not true. Some people don’t mesh well and that’s totally fine. One of my closest friends describes my energy as intense and she’s right. If we click, I tend to skip all the small talk and dive right in to the big stuff. When I ask how you’re doing, I mean I want to know and will happily listen to an hour long description of your innermost feelings. But that kind of energy isn’t for everyone and accepting that has been awesome. No matter what you personality is, if you are open to taking the time to find your people and accept that other people’s boundaries may not align with yours so they may not be your people, you can find contentment in your circumstances and so much joy in relationships.

All this being said, I have no degree in psychology and anything I state here is purely my opinion and conjecture based on my previous experience and conversations with actual professionals who can competently speak about mental health. The last thing I want anyone reading this to believe is that I regard myself as some sort of authority on this issue because the only thing I’m an authority on with regard to boundaries are my own. However, the book Boundaries by Henry Cloud is supposed to be awesome so I would recommend checking that out if you want to take a deeper dive.

I’m interested to hear how boundaries factor into your relationships. I would love if you left a comment or sent me a DM on Instagram @mamacomesfirst so we can chat! Putting this blog out into the world has been scary, but being vulnerable and opening up always serves me well so I’m sticking with it. Happy Wednesday!