Accountability

An excerpt from a conversation I had back in January with a person I’ve known since 1996. WE were discussing the domestic terror attack at the Capitol and I called into question his statements because they directed contradicted much of what he’d said up to that point:

Him: But just so you know, I would never think of trying to use your past statements or opinions against you in a public forum. Ever. I have too much respect for you and your family to do that. I’m not sure what your intent is. I never thought you were the shaming type but maybe that’s it.

Me: If you feel shamed by my holding you accountable for your words, that’s on you. I would hope that as someone who has known me for 24 years, you would feel more than comfortable calling me out if I was being a hypocrite. Because that’s what adults do. We hold each other accountable.

Him: i don’t feel shame, because i have no reason to. i don’t think i would hold anyone “accountable” in that fashion even if i knew them for 50 years. can you really imagine me going into someone’s facebook history to find something either in context or out of context on a similar topic to dunk on them months or years later to try to make a point? does that sound like something i would do?

Me: I don’t know what you would do. It’s not for me to attempt to predict your behavior. You’ve made hypocritical statements. That’s the point I was making and will continue to make any time I see someone being hypocritical. And I hope that you or anyone else that sees me being a hypocrite would do the same.

I’ve been thinking a lot about accountability in the past few weeks. Why do people have a problem holding themselves accountable for their actions? Is it pride? Is it stubbornness? And is there a difference when that accountability occurs in public vs. in private? Growing up, my parents taught us the importance of accountability. The message was clear: you’re going to mess up. You’re going to make mistakes and that’s ok. But when you make a mistake you say you’re sorry and you do your best to do better next time. 

As a kid who only ever wanted to be perfect, this message didn’t really sink in for me at the time. Mistakes were a four letter word in my brain and I accepted nothing less than perfection from myself at all times. It wasn’t until I became an adult and began to make larger mistakes despite my best efforts to avoid them that I started to absorb my parents’ message. I was going to mess up. Sometimes I was going to mess up in a big, consequential for myself and others kind of way. This meant I needed to get really good at saying I was sorry and doing everything I could to do better.  Thank goodness for grown up life lessons. After some big, grown up mistakes, I shifted my focus as best I could from being perfect all the time to being accountable all the time.

For me, being accountable means truly looking at every decision I make and weighing how it affects my life and the life of those around me. I means taking the time to choose my words carefully because I am the only one responsible for what I say and do. It means listening to other people when they tell me I messed up even when I think I did everything right. I’m a type A, hyper organized, empathetic, always want to get it right, hold myself and others to a high standard kind of person. While those traits sound great to me, they don’t always work out well in practice.

At my old job, I believed I had an impeccable system. In my view, if everyone just followed the system, the day would run as smoothly and as efficiently as possible. In my mind, that seemed simple. What my boss reminded me of was, although that system worked for me and it was effective and efficient, it didn’t work well for some of my co workers. Her lesson boiled down to the fact that oftentimes, there are many “right” ways to get a job done. I was so stuck in the mindset that once I found something that worked well, that no one else could come in and try to change it. And honestly, I wanted to dig my heels in and whine and say my way is the best. I had all sorts of misguided pride about my way of doing things. I will never forget the lesson in accountability from that day and the continuous lessons my boss taught me. If you’re lucky to have a boss who is amazing, please soak up her lessons. And thank her for them because she will appreciate that too.

It can absolutely hurt your feelings and your pride to hold yourself accountable. It can hurt even more when that accountability occurs in full view of the rest of the world. But holding ourselves and others accountable for our actions and words is an act of kindness and love. In reality, we get a very short amount of time on this planet to live a meaningful life. A meaningful life is a life full of kindness, a life where we did the best we could with what we had, a life where we seek to do no harm and help where we’re able, a life where we remain humble enough to know that our best is just right for us but won’t always be right for everyone else. My best is not always going to be THE best and if I learn and listen, I might just find out a better way. 

Now, I like to be in situations where I don’t feel like the smartest or the “best” person in the room. I learn so much more that way and that is a wonderful gift. My point in this post is to say, if we want to do something meaningful with this life we’re given, if we want to be OUR best instead of always wanting to be THE best, we have to put accountability front and center in our days. And because I’ve been lucky enough to be around people who help my learn these lessons, I want to share a resource with you that helps me each day. The Best Today Guide is a tool I’ve used for the past 10 months and I’d encourage you to check it out. The link I’ve provided is an affiliate link just to be totally transparent. I’ve been thoroughly impressed with the impact this product and the mission of this company has had on my mindset so I want to share it.

Thanks for reading and I hope you have a great week. It’s spring break here so if you see some typos in this post, they are courtesy of “I have a 4 year old nearby and didn’t take the time to proofread because she was yelling random facts about pipe cleaners at me.” Happy Wednesday!!