Every time I look back on the middle/high school years, the memories that stick out the most are the hours on hours I spent laying in our backyard hammock listening to music. If it was summer, that’s where you could find me every day and sometimes late at night. Before safe spaces were a thing we talked about, I’m pretty positive it was my safe space. My discman and I would spend hours memorizing the word to every single song and belting out the words loudly truly not caring who heard. It was a magical time. I also spent lots of time on that hammock with a boy I liked so very much and the night we broke up, we had that super awkward “this isn’t working for either of us” conversation on the hammock. That hammock heard a lot of things because I knew they were perfectly safe with a comfortable friend who would never share the secrets they held.
There was one time when I passed out at a student leadership conference in front of like 30 people in high school and when I got home all I wanted to do was go lay outside on the hammock and try to process what just happened. I’m fairly sure I freaked my mom out partially because that wasn’t the first time I passed out for no particular reason (and because after that she took me to the neurologist to see if there was something serious going on—there wasn’t, but my mama always makes sure all the bases were covered because she’s super awesome). I remember feeling scared and kind of embarrassed and worried myself that something more might be going on than just random passing out when I stood up for too long. But what I remember more than that was wanting to spend the whole afternoon in the hammock that day.
I didn’t spend time back then considering why the hammock was so important to me, but ever since we moved into our new house and now have a perfect backyard hammock spot, I’m been doing a lot of thinking about why it’s so special. I spent a lot of years living with what felt like an uncontrollable compulsion to control whatever I could because somewhere in my brain, there was always the nagging thought that something terrible would happen if I lost control. When I say something terrible, I mean I believed that someone would be seriously physically harmed or die if I let down my guard. This feeling comes from anxiety and is now managed with a blend of medicine, therapy, sleep, exercise, meditation, and amazing people who get what’s happening and will listen to me while I talk about the intrusive thoughts. When I say the thoughts out loud, especially the really scary or dark ones, it takes their power away and stops them from tricking me into believing they’re true. It was life changing when I finally realized that if I just spoke them out loud, they couldn’t mess with me any more. Back then though, I did a lot of listening to the thoughts and believed them instead of realizing they were full of crap.
Intrusive thoughts say super ridiculous things to you ranging anywhere from you’re ugly and dumb and no one loves you to the world would be a much better place if you just died. None of these things remotely approach truth but anxiety is a lying liar and he’s really good at abusing you. Sometimes he gives you long breaks where you get to see that you are pretty amazing and life actually is awesome and then BAM, he comes at you with the whole, you’re gonna screw this all up and hurt someone and so you might as well just die. And for me, until I had a panic attack as a teenager and my parents got me help, I didn’t tell anyone all of the completely untrue and often disturbing thoughts I was having. I think that’s why the hammock feels so special. Stay with me here because this is where I’m genuinely not sure I make sense.
When you’re in a hammock, you’re suspended some amount off the ground. You are supported by ropes and the hammock itself, but there’s a certain floating feeling involved in the whole situation. For me, I think it’s a comforting, safe way that I could give up control back then. I felt held up and protected by the trees and ropes and the gentle swinging of the hammock made me feel weightless and calm. The hammock represents pretty much the only place during those years where I felt like I could just let go of any other part of the world and just be. Be as quiet as I wanted without anyone trying to get my attention or ask me questions. Be as loud as I wanted to be as I sang at the top of my lungs. Side note: I am the type of person that will listen to an album the whole way through when it comes out. In track order the first time and wanting to see how the whole album is crafted and what songs I like best. There are only a handful of albums I’ve ever listened to where I genuinely love every track. These include Music Box by Mariah Carey, Faith by Faith Hill, and Fly by the Dixie Chicks. Those were the three CDs in heaviest rotation during those years and they still hold up for me 20 plus years later. The combination of weightless suspension and music I loved made for the perfect place for the intrusive thoughts to go away. The joy or carefree time or whatever the magical combo was kept all the foolishness away and just let me be me. I am so very grateful for that safe space and that time. I’m even more grateful now to have the same space in my all grown up backyard.
I may know how to manage all of the thoughts that come in and out of my head now but there was something about getting into that hammock in our new yard for the first time the other day that brought me right back to being 15 again, safe and supported in the fresh air ready to jam out and not think about anything in the world for awhile. The years I have ahead of me in that hammock excite me so much. The years my kids have in store excite me too. I wonder what memories they will make quietly swinging or loudly singing or sneaking a kiss with someone they like so very much. Hammocks are magical to me and I’m so grateful for all they provide. I hope you have a safe space for yourself too, somewhere you are all the way you without a care in the world for anyone hearing you or if you’re anything like me, your off key singing. I hope you find your magical space if you haven’t already because everyone deserves that feeling. Happy Friday!
Put Mama First 
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