Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

Hi there. I know it’s been awhile. I took a summer break. I wanted to keep my words to myself for awhile and I thought summer with the kids home was a good time to do that. I thought this summer would be extra awesome and there were so many moments of awesome coupled with many moments of “this again?” Lots of “Why won’t people just vaccinate? I’m scared.” Because that was the majority of my thought process outside of loads of family time which was pretty wonderful, I kept to myself.

But now school is back in session and I have a great deal of time again. I started considering why I’ve been so angry lately and it’s come down to a lack of follow through from fellow humans that bums me out. People who get all gung ho in a group email to take on a task and then bail when faced with the actual follow through. People don’t mean what they say. My particular frustration stems from a volunteer opportunity presented to a group recently. The initial message was followed by a chorus of “I’d love to help out. I’m so excited to participate.” reply all messages. Yay! That’s awesome. Then a few days later when it came time to sign up for said opportunity, crickets. So many crickets. What happened to the excitement to help out?

I spoke to a friend about it who reminded me that a lot of people just like to look like they are doing something good for others without actually doing the thing. She’s right. And that totally stinks. It truly costs nothing to decline an opportunity to help out. To just not respond or to say “hey, it sounds like what you’re doing is great but I’m at capacity right now. I’ll catch you next time.” Being honest about what you can or can’t do is pretty great. Enforcing your particular boundaries and awesome and should be celebrated. What is not awesome is committing to doing something and then bailing when you need to do the thing. Why commit to something completely voluntary and then just not do it? Is it really that you just want to keep up appearances? Is that where we are?

I want to know where people are coming from when they communicate. I want people to walk through life being exactly who they are. I tend to believe that most people are simply doing their very best everyday. However, I also believe that a lot of people care a great deal about other people’s perceptions of them and therefore behave in ways that allow them to shape said perceptions. I dislike that more than words can properly convey. It is a waste of energy and time and frankly your integrity as a human to behave in certain ways because you think that’s how other people want you to behave. To try to get people to think you are a “good” person by saying what you think are all the right words without actually doing anything helpful really sucks. Does it provide you with esteem to think that other people revere you? What are you getting out of this?

What I keep coming back to is wondering who the type of person is who cares deeply about their appearance to the outside world, but is actually a whole mess on the inside. It’s like if you have a house that’s super pretty from the outside. It’s big and presents as if you’re wealthy and fancy. But then the inside has leaky toilets and the air conditioning is a hot mess and there is mold growing in all sorts of places. It smacks of “everybody drives by my house and thinks I’m rich and fabulous, but if they actually saw the truth, they would find a moldy mess.” I need us to get our houses in order. Truly. If y’all are truly spending time caring about the outsides of your homes/bodies/anything external, what’s gonna happen when your insides get all leaky and moldy? 

We need to like ourselves every day. Really like how we treat ourselves and how we treat everyone and everything we come into contact with in this world. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters. No thing or award or recognition will provide the validation that liking the person you are provides. And all that is necessary to like yourself from where I’m sitting is to move through the world treating others the way you want to be treated. Giving people the respect that they know you say what you mean and mean what you say. And saying sorry when you make a mistake because we all make them every day. That integrity is all we need. Not hollow reply all emails jumping on a volunteer bandwagon that you never actually intend to join. Not having a pretty house from the outside that is a whole heap of rotting bananas on the inside.

I’ve missed writing. I’m excited to do it again. And if you’ve read this, I would love to hear how you deal with people who don’t say what they mean, or folks who don’t follow through. It’s the topic that I can’t get out of my head lately and I want to understand it better so that maybe I won’t feel so reactive to the particular drama that ensues when people chose not to live up to the expectation they created from hollow promises of participation. I hope you have a happy Wednesday and I look forward to hearing your feedback!