In August 2017, I decided I needed to exercise more. My anxiety was at a 10 and I knew running would at least help ease up on the symptoms. I’d never run more than two miles in my life but in my mind, I was ready to go. Me being me, I figured I’d just wake up at 6 every day and run and it would help everything quickly. That was foolish. Maybe some people can start an exercise routine at full speed after not working out for a year and a half. I am not one of those people. Either way, I ended up getting strep throat a month later. And then two more times that month. It was super special. Meanwhile, I still thought it was a good idea to keep trying to run during this time.
The third time I went to the doctor was in mid October. I told him how exhausted I was and frustrated that I couldn’t shake being sick. He ran a mono test and it came back positive. Then he proceeded to tell me that if I just got more sleep and drank more water, this never would have happened. He’s not my doctor anymore, but I’ll share that story another time. I was really scared. I didn’t know if I would get my kids sick because of this and I felt a ton of guilt that I was so tired all the time.
It truly never occurred to me during all that mess that I needed to take care of myself first. This wasn’t our first go around with sickness that year. I’d had flu, mild summer pneumonia (did not know that was a thing), and my son had all sorts of shitty sickness too all that year. I was clearly being sent the message that I needed to slow down and reevaluate my game and I wasn’t listening. I did not think that I had much control over all the mess. As someone who loves nothing more than having control and making a plan, I just felt lost.
Everyone kept telling me that we all just go through sick seasons, especially with little kids and all of their germs and snot and such. But I don’t think that’s all the way true. Yes, young kids for sure get sick more often because their little immune systems are developing, but their grown ups don’t generally get royally effed up health wise too. I’d argue that if we grown ups, mamas in particular, took as much time to listen to our bodies and give them the care they deserve as we do for our kids, we could avoid foolishness like ending up needing 11 hours of sleep a day because mono came to find us.
Side note because you know I spent way too much time on doctor google during this time because I didn’t have a doctor who I felt like I could ask all my questions to: kids can get mono too. Sometimes they get what looks like a regular cold and then they bring it home to their parents. Because a lot of parents were exposed to mono during their teenage or college years, they either don’t get sick or they get a mild sickness too. So there’s that. Also, if your doctor tells you that you shouldn’t worry about giving mono to your husband because “I’m sure he got it in college because you know how boys are. I’m sure he was kissing plenty of people” (I really wanted to punch that doctor in the face), you should change doctors right then.
The doctor was partially right. I absolutely needed more sleep. I had a new one year old and an almost 4 year old and while those ages still come with sleep challenges, I could have made time for more sleep. Here’s the thing, I was in that stage where I would go go go all day and then when the kids went to bed, I would stay up until midnight watching tv so I could zone out from the day. Again, there are people out there who can regularly function on 6-7 hours of sleep. I am not one of those people. But instead of listening to my body and just giving into sleep, I would push and push.
I’m here to tell you, if you push your body beyond what it can handle, it will get angry at you. I don’t mean not to push yourself in your exercise. If you have a regular exercise plan, you know that giving yourself a challenge is how you improve. But after we work out, what do we do? We stretch. We have what’s called a recovery period. That’s the key. A recovery period.
If you are reading this today and you are in go go go all the time mode, please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. You can give yourself a recovery period. You can look at what in your life contributes to your stress. Areas that take away from your ability or willingness to truly rest. At the time, I kept saying that the kids kept me busy and there was just so much going on that I didn’t have time for me. But that was crap. My priorities were all out of whack. It’s messed up that mono was what ended up forcing me to reevaluate all the things. But I’m glad it did.
I started doing what I call “bare minimum living” for awhile. I cut everything out that wasn’t completely necessary to survival. There is a less extreme way to make changes but at the time, that’s where I was. So from October 2017 until about April 2018, I did exactly only what needed to be done. Everyone got fed, clothed, and sheltered. And that was it. I slept as much as my body told me to and didn’t do much else. I’m not saying you need to take it to the level I did, but I’m here to tell you, if you need to go full bare minimum for awhile, your kids will be fine. Let me say that again. Your kids will be fine.
My daughter was 1 at the time. She’s almost 4 now and remembers nothing from when mommy used to sleep all the time and barely do much else. My son is almost 7 and remembers a lot of this time. He remembers that mommy was really scared a lot and we didn’t really get to do much except when daddy was home, but he also remembers that he watched mommy learn to take care of herself. And he tells me he’s proud of me. Kids are super resilient. If we show them that we are trying our best and we are honest with them when we mess up, they will be just fine.
When you get your priorities straight for whatever looks best for you, there’s lots of fun and time for pure joy, but if you are in an exhausted place right now, please feel zero guilt about cutting out everything that isn’t absolutely necessary for awhile if you have to. The season of resetting everything you thought was important is hard, but the lessons you can learn from it are gifts. You will learn what matters to you, what you really value, and what you’ll fight to protect from then forward. Now I put myself first, I care for my body and my mind before anyone else gets anything from me. I know that if I’m strong and healthy I can do anything and that’s a gift I’m so grateful for.
Put Mama First 
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